I also feel proud to say that I don't really think about this person anymore. When I do, it's very brief. She no longer has that power over my mind like she used to. I am happy to say that I do believe that this will be the last post I ever do about this horrible adventure.
Here is the letter. I had to cut some stuff out for privacy sake for involved individuals but, here it is. Thank you to all of those that helped me in my healing process! I hope I can help some people by sharing my story!
I am writing this letter in hopes to get over my PTSD of being your friend so that I can forget and move on from this mess. My therapist thinks that this will be good for me, I think so too. I have to say to you the things I’ve been meaning to say for years.
It’s been almost two years since I last saw you. I’ll never forget how you ruined my Christmas in 2014. It’s been an emotional roller coaster ever since.
I wish I’d never met you. There are so many things that could have been avoided as I got older if I’d never decided to be your friend. I gave so much of my life up for you, not that you care.
When we started to play together as children, I was already broken in so many ways. It doesn’t matter how, you don’t get to know that.
Even though you weren’t perfect and you liked to bully other children, I thought I could love you into being good. I wanted to be the big sister you never had. We understood each other more than anyone else cared to, and it made me love you like you were part of my family. I loved you more than anyone else and whoever hurt you was doomed in my book. You were the only person I cared to make happy and that often exceeded my happiness as well. I would have done anything for you and you knew it, you liked to take advantage of it.
The summer after ninth grade was the worst summer of my life; that’s when your relationship with ____ blew up. It was like a switch flipped in you. You went from being the number 1 person I wanted to spend my time with, to someone that my very existence could not stand to be around.
I caught you bullying people. I couldn’t believe that my very best friend could do that so, blindly, I believed all those things you told me. I believed what you and our friends were saying about ____. You can try to deny that you started the rumor that ended our friendship but you know that you did. (*I cut out the rumor, sorry). I didn’t want to believe that you did it but every one of our friends that I asked said that YOU told them that YOU were the one that spread that viscous rumor. I could not be friends with someone like that, someone that took pleasure in the pain of others.
I also know that it was YOU that told the counselors that I was anorexic even though I wasn’t. They told me that my “concerned” friend, ____ told them.
After everything blew up, I cried almost the whole summer about what you did to me. I cried for years over what you did to me. It got so bad that I was terrified to go anywhere, do anything and make any new friends. I was terrified to have friends. I was even afraid for my life!
We tried to rekindle our friendship a few times but, you were still the same self-serving monster I grew to resent. I finally got sick of it and got the police involved. That was the best decision I ever made regarding our friendship.
The truth is, I forgive you. Not for you but, for me. I spent years never trusting anyone. Never letting anyone get close to me. I had nightmares about you all the time. I preferred staying home instead of going out with friends, I was miserable and the worst part was that I missed my so called "best friend". I learned that best friends don't do that to each other.
But, I forgive you. I accept the apology that I know I’ll never receive. I’m doing it for myself so I can finally put you in my past and never read that book again.
I’m in a good place now. I have a new best friend that has taught me what it really means to truly have a best friend. I have a wonderful, devoted husband that has helped heal my wounds. I have a great family, a great job, my writing is kicking off. For once, I am happy to be me. Fear of getting hurt is no longer looming it’s big, thundering cloud over me.
I am able to see and appreciate the wonderful blessings in my life without you leeching all that is good around me. In a way, I am thankful for this terrible experience. It taught me to fight for what I want and how to be a good person.
I know what it’s like to have a bad friend and a good friend so that I can discern the two and protect myself and others from getting hurt. A good friend means to be loyal. A good friend lifts someone up and doesn’t use them for personal gain. A good friend is honest and tells the truth; they do not lie.
I couldn’t imagine living life the way you do. I couldn’t imagine feeling so crammed by lies and fables. Honestly, it sounds exhausting. I hope someday you can turn it around and be happy, instead of inflicting misery on those around you. I hope you can forgive yourself and move on from what you’ve done to yourself. I hope someday, you find peace.
I forgive you for:
- Bullying people at school.
- Using me for everything.
- For asking my boyfriends out.
- For sending ____ and his friends to harass me at school and threaten me.
- For your aunt and grandma terrorizing my friends and family.
- For telling my friends lies about me.
- For stealing money and toys from me and my sisters as kids.
- For terrorizing me at (*place of work*) and blaming me for your mess ups because you were too much of a coward to take the blame. Let's not forget the numerous notes I found that you had taken about me and my daily life that I turned over to the police.
- For lying to ____ over and over and having him harass me where I worked so I had to be embarrassed when I got the police involved and they had to talk to my boss.
- For causing me to lose friends because I refused to see the type of person you are.
- For all the days I spent in my room afraid to leave.
- For playing me like a fool.
- For spreading rumors about me at school.
- For hurting my parents that loved you like their own, and my sisters so bad.
- For ruining Christmas for me in 2014.
- And many, many more.
My testimony is stronger than it’s ever been. I am stronger than I’ve ever been.
From here on out, I will not think of you. You don’t get to fill my head and control me anymore. I will not speak of you. I will not recognize your existence. From here on out, you are just the past. You are just a chapter, and I’m closing the book for good.
Thank you to all my supportive family and friends for helping me through the healing process! I love you all so much!